Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees