Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions