Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
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I’m an avid indoorsman.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
This kinda thing happens to me often
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
dude it’s called proctologist
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.