Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces