Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Steam Forums

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you