Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
favorite tropes as memes
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered