vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
livin la vida broka
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?