@Emma_Oh_

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

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@TheHyyyype

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

@zachreinert03

Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich

@tastefactory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

@kidphonic

Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.

@PetrickSara

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@GrantTanaka

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?