Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM