Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now