Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Siri, fight Alexa.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit