Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Never let them know your next move 😂

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream