Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
If only
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.