Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

You know I’m something of a chef myself