Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat