Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
You Might Also Like
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Not my job 😂
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas