Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?