Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

well this is just bullshirt

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

584.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.