Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

sleeping beauty

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

oh good, now I can stop drinking

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*