Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .