Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.