Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

tis the season

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.