Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

honey, bring out the fine china.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!