Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.