Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

oh you wanna fight?!

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

our love story in four pictures

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*