Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine