Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
You Might Also Like
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”