@suecorvette

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

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@dubstep4dads

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

@isabelzawtun

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

@Lottie_Poppie

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@maebemarbles

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@YourFavMexi_Can

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

@fightgeek

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

@DaddyJew

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

@yoyoha

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.