Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
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All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.
My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.
My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep
“I know” was probably not the right answer
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”