* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.


All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.


Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?


Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”


Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.


My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.


My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep

“I know” was probably not the right answer


Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?


They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts


“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”