Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Challenge accepted.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Guantanamo Bae

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.