Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

I’m sorry…what?

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.