Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

thinking about this

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk