Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
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My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now