Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Make me look younger

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.