Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
this is the greatest thing ever
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
You can’t outrun your problems…
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner