Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today