Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
You Might Also Like
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
how it started vs how it ended
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.