Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

seriously you guys

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*