Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.