Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

Donkey Kong sommelier

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.