Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

◾️

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.