Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?