Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.