Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
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Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
the rocks need my help
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.