Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Never ghost your hitman.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..