Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

liiiiiiiiike

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.