Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

best first i’ve ever seen

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.