Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Tough love is true love

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

My time has come.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

This fish is cracking me up

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!