Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Air conditioning – not a fan

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life