Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati