Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Body by Oreos

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.