Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Spoiler Alert: I was late

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters