Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.