Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

Many hands make light work

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.