Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Put a ring on it
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Have kids, they said
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
