Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later