Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!