Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I have a black belt in leather
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now