Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Oh my God.

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

oppen heimer style lol

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..