Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Couple goals

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.