Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
This kid is a star!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?