Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

LMAO

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Good morning.

Cats (2019)

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative