Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I love texting my boyfriend
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.