Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

This hospital has everything

sliding into dms like

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.