Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Optional boss fight.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe