Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.