Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
You Might Also Like
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
The human personality is made of five key elements
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.