Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*