Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.