Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

hi why am I like this

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Where is your GOD now????

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*