Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
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Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.