Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
#IWishIHadNever noticed
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.