Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Love is always patient and kind.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.