Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h