overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Growing up was a huge mistake
🔦🌙👣
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.