Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

A comic by Dan Piraro

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Camping tip: No.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.