Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
You Might Also Like
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
True?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.