*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first