*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.