Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Well, that should do it

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

just witnessed a drug deal

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Webb. James Webb.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.