Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
You Might Also Like
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Huge if true.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*